Monday, December 17, 2007
The moon must have been - trine, or retrograde, or something - what with all the weird vibrations and screw-ball antics going on all 'round me.
As I channel-surfed at a fellow dude's digs around grub hour, I stumbled across a curious E Entertainment re-run - come lately or Chase somethin' - or other.
The show titillated me, somewhat!
My best bud noted that "Chelsea" (the hostess with the moistest) was one of those slutty Lindsay Lohan "mean girls".
Ah, it dawned on me now, why she was being so nasty to the guests!
Notwithstanding, on occasion - the dizzy, sexy, bimbo blonde babe - was prone to ask some pretty insightful hard-hitting questions as they squirmed in their comfy seats.
For starters, when VJ Logan - Smartest Model in America - sprawled down on the couch next to the show's host - Ben Stein - she poignantly asked,
"Do you have a lot of gay guys comin' on to ya?"
The handsome stud laughingly noted that having a brown belt was a prerequisite for a male model - not to hold up his tight, packed, faded jeans - but to deftly fight the limp-wristed dudes off.
I expect his initials - VJ - stand for "very jock".
One of his eyebrows was wandering off a little too much for my liking, though.
Yes, VJ was a bit too preened, for my tastes.
I guess he's what ya'd call a "metro sexual".
A friend of Ryan Seacrest, no doubt.
Ben Stein, silent 'til now, was probed further.
"So, tell me, how long have you and VJ (stands for very jock?) been married?"
On the heels of this dumb probe which elicited a pregnant pause, she continued.
"Seriously, folks, what is the point of determining if models are intelligent?"
Stein responded, rightly so.
"Well, you know, people want to know if good-looking people are smart."
Not me, I just lay 'em down and go at it, if you know what I mean!
When VJ asked Chase - uh - Chelsea - if she'd like to see his chiseled abs, the perky hostess jumped at the chance to peek at his succulent tender flesh.
But, the show obviously was hindered by a stifling low-budget.
After all, when VJ thrust up his sweater, the camera failed to pan in.
In fact - when Chelsea stroked the gorgeous model's smoothe hard body - only she and VJ were privy to the sensual moment.
Can't afford a zoom lens, E?
Or, maybe VJ wanted a bump (more cash) to flash the bod naked on the idiot box?
In one odd-ball moment - well, she's inclined to slip into a few - Ms. Lately assured the audience she'd give Tom Cruise material a wide berth
"Cause he's probably got lawyers hangin' around inside the woodwork."
What a scandal.
When one guest made an off-the-wall remark about Marie Osmond, the mean girl softened a bit.
"Gee, if I made a negative comment about Donnie's sister, I'd feel like I attacked the American flag, or something."
Her gaggle of back-up side-kicks - a smidgen of comics - amounted to a handful of squirming worms.
No, they weren't clever or witty, not a bit funny ha-ha.
Well, one joke about a Mormon's six wives all having a headache one night, wasn't so bad.
But, when I realized the show was taped during the writer's strike, it was obvious the picket lines had taken their toll on the quality of the show.
In another "bit" - I guess it's what they used to refer to in TV's heyday as a comedy "sketch" - Lately asked an attorney how to defend herself in the event actor Scott Baio's penis ever slapped her in the face.
I swear, I'm not makin' this s**t up!
At this juncture, I flipped the dial!
Over at "Soup" (Greg Kinnear's previous gig) the camera was focused on a close-up shot of David Beckham on a couch in tight white undies - with shirt in a fly-away position - revealing fabulous rippled abs.
Suddenly, the soccer stud's crotch started to pulsate wildly!
Then, a frothy explosion of somethin' or other, ejaculated all over the place!
Becks - you do inspire fantasies - even among male hosts who doth protest too much!
I couldn't help but wonder at this point, what does "E" stand for?